Dating 101

So what are the dating rules in 2014? With hot or not websites being the norm, I think the single gals future could be looking pretty bleak.  I'm sure some of us have indulged in a little "flick to the left,  flick to the right even if it plays on our conscience but it's the world we live in and you have to move with the times or be left at home with your 3 chihuahuas and two cats :0 

So if you have tried a little online dating just for a treat like I do - a computer game,  flick left, left, left and right, win! Congratulations you have been deemed successful for sexual pursuit ....Then turn it off.

Most of us are selfie kings and queens so take a hot selfie and you're a cert but that hot selfie will only get his foot in the door. So I've compiled a list of dating rules that maybe we haven't had the balls to follow in the past.

1. LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS

He's over 28 and lives with his mum and it's likely that he doesn't have much ambition in life, if this doesn't hugely dwindle his erotic appeal, then there's no hope for YOU, never mind him. 

2.JEALOUSLY 

OK a little jealousy is cute, means he's into you. But, when another man crossing your field of vision turns him into something crossed between Gordon Ramsey & Oscar Pistorius, well enough said just stick that one on the back burner.

3.PERSONAL STYLE 

It's hard for us gals not to sound like superficial biatches here!

Like ... "I don't mind what he's wearing" said no female EVER. After all a little self awareness is all we request. 

• Put it away lads, and I think I'm speaking here for 99% of the female population, v-neck tshirts that not only have his cleavage on display but also his navel should never have been brought to the high street, especially not the  Lurgan high street. 

• Boot cut jeans are for cowboys, body warmers are for lumberjacks, gym wear are for gym users only

• A few selective tattoos are attractive whats not attractive is if he bears resemblance to a child's coloring book. 

• Crosshatch jeans are just a no-no, cause first it will be the jeans, then it's Caterpillar boots, then it's an ankle bracelet and then you'll be visiting him every second week in Maghaberry. 

4. MUMMYS BOY

I agree having respect for his mother is essential but if he's still still on the tit or possibly bathing with her, then there should be no further investigation needed.

5.HAS A PAY AS YOU GO 

Drug dealer, pimp or under 16 in this day and age who hasn't got a contract phone 

6.CONVICTIONS

Preferably no major convictions, no threat to homeland security. Petty crime may be overlooked, (well we live in Lurgan FFS). 

7.TABLE MANNERS 

If you're on a date with a man and he starts chowing down like he hasn't ate from the 90's, excuse yourself from the table, calmly walk to the bathroom, squeeze yourself out of the window and run to the nearest taxi.

 8.OVERALL BAD TEETH

Apart from the fact - you'll never get past it, If you feel the need to throw a mint into his mouth while he's still talking then just forget about it. 

Yes, I know it all sounds a little superficial but it's the gods honest truth and you know it. 

So, here is a few rules I was advised not to include if I ever wanted a boyfriend again. 

9.NEVER DATE A PERSONAL TRAINER 

I'm not stereotyping PT's, and that's an abbreviation for Personal Trainer - just incase you didn't know that. 

Ok, apart from the fact they are (or they think they are) supreme beings that exist on a diet of protein shakes, kale with an extra large helping of self praise. 

You'll have to forget about that 2pm kebab, he probably won't drink as much as you so he will do a whole autopsy of your night out the morning after of the shit you ate and talked. No self-respecting female wants to know how they rolled up a 12"pizza and downed it in record time after a bottle of rose and 12 shots. He's likely to yap on about squats, good fats, some girls amazing body, your core and more shit like that. But on the pulse side he will have an amazing body! 

IF HE SAYS HE WILL CALL AT A CERTAIN TIME AND HE DOES'NT!

Ok unless he has  encountered a f%#king emergency, then call when you say you will call, so we can ignore it and pretend we have more important things to be getting on with. 

10. NON-PRESCRIPTION GLASSES 

I may not be Einstein but if they have plastic glass in them then the simplest evaluation would suggest that they are fake . Therefore, You don't look intelligent you just look like a dick who's wearing glasses that doesn't need them. And yes, we can tell.

11.POOR HYGIENE

It's a no-go if your thinking to yourself "a shower won't cut it here, he'll have to be decontaminated"

It's 2014, there is a little shop called Tesco, where you will find Tesco value soap & deodorant. So no man should go unwashed. 

12. DRINKING 

Last but not least, never date anyone that drinks more than you, there is only room for one alcoholic in this relationship mate.

So in the future I promise to follow these rules as I have realised that I have a gift for choosing guys with mental problems which I would prefer to avoid. 

Anyways, do a  background check, don't be ashamed of scouring every possible online avenue before deciding to date him. Like honestly who has the self control not to do a background check, google is there so utilize it. 

And last but not least Sharing a drink doesn't mean your exclusive! 

Fuck I'll never get a date again after this.