the 30s what its all about

I'm in my early 30's (31 to be exact). My 30th birthday was when I was officially meant to be starting to act my age but I was actually going through a life changing event.. A break up. 

So I didn't really have the usual worries of wrinkles, settling down and being sensible. I spent my whole 20's doing that! With a beautiful daughter and a growing business my 30's should be a piece of piss, or so I thought. 

Only decent picture from my 30th 

So I perched myself in front of my mirror and thought to myself Orlagh, you're still youthful, you've still got it, not even a wrinkle yet. Feeling optimistic I flipped it to the magnified side and there we have it! My body has broken down and betrayed me - holy f#%k I'll never be young again. Or will I? 

So, How does society define adulthood. Well with the boundaries being regularly raised, 40 is the new 30. So that must mean 30, is the new 20 - well I have no desire to revisit that decade, not for all the body cons in Kim K's walk in wardrobe. 

So the usual advice you will be given will go a little like this...

No short skirts and definitely no short shorts

No shots 

No dancing on tables 

No push up bras

No illegal raves 

Certainly no usage of local taxis after an all nighter (just pay the extra and order from the next town) 

The list goes on, but with addition of annoying questions or statements: 

"You won't be young forever" 

 "Isn't it time to settle down yet"

"You don't want to wait too long to get pregnant" 

Basically the whole 30 thing didn't hit me until I was 31. So here are some of my thoughts 

1 - Elegant, sophisticated, beautiful, talented and the list goes on as I try to convince myself, that I'm only single because I haven't met a male as equally gifted as myself. But like seriously why am I single, wtf is wrong with me?

2 - tick, tick, tock  whats that? It's my biological clock. Yes, if we don't already have kids, (thankfully I have one!) We go into overdrive obsessing over getting preggers and evolving from the spiritual raving nomad of our 20's to a "Stepford wife". Sweet Jesus we only have 5 years left to find the perfect husband, give birth to 2.4 kids, have an amazing detached in the country with a perfectly manicured lawn. But then again if Kerry Katona can do it ( well sort of) there's hope for anyone. 

3 - boobs - OK, I can still see my navel (for now) but let's face it they aren't as perky perfect as they used to be. The occasional thought of a boob job crosses my mind but I always preferred fashion boobs to porn ones and anyway the way I look at it the bigger they are the further they will droop.

4 - Botox - is there any such thing as "ageing gracefully" or do we have to invest in some form of artificial age control. You just sort of come to the realization that your face is developing suspiciously into your mothers.  Well physically not mentally. We can look forward to that in our 40's. 

5 - If you have to ask yourself "Am I too old to party with my 19 year old friends" will then yes you are! Especially if your 17 year old cousin is starting to hang around with them.

6 - Contraceptive, OK I've been on this for more or less a decade, are my eggs there? are they alive? how long can you stay on this for? So many questions so little time.

7 -  Style  - I need to opt for more classy wardrobe now I'm an adult. But you need not worry I'm not suggesting we stock up on the 30 denier orange hue tights that have gave me a few nightmares. Think white shirt, shift dress, cashmere sweater and a leather jacket that will carry you to your 40's. Let face it the flip flops, denim skirts and bralets that we adorned in our 20's just won't cut it.

8 - I heard Fearne Cotton on Radio 1, saying that it's illegal to Twerk when your in your 30's, I think she might be on to something there. 

9 - Makeup - urban decays glitter palette, em? Maybe we should give that one a miss. 

10 - Pores - wtf, where did these come from! My daughter asked me only recently "what are them holes all over your face mummy?"  I told her that I'll be passing them on to her so she can have her very own. The sad thing is, if another woman said it you'd just think "jealous biatch", but when it comes from a child, then its true. Who will be stocking up on the pore minimiser like yesterday. And apparently they just get bigger as we get older. Great news all round then.

11 - Hangovers and alcohol - I used to have a stomach like a septic tank, nothing could bring me down. Now though it's not just the first day after a hangover that's the hardest, its the first five. I have now learnt that Sambucca changes me, an open bar is too dangerous for me and if he still looks like shit after your 7th gin & tonic, walk away. 

12 - Ok, when you approach or especially if you are already there you need an email address that is socially acceptable  or isn't completely embarrassing, for example sxcbarbieprincess83@hotmail.com isn't acceptable 

13- Facebook, it's a status not a diary, that is all.

14 - when it comes to men i believe most women including 10 females that I chatted with find men least desirable in their 20's while men on the other hand find women in their 20's most desirable - it figures though men go for looks, while women go for money. So we basically have to find someone in at least their 50's (without looking like we have father figure issues) with some sort of career and hopefully he  doesn't run off with a younger model. 

Just like "Marilyn Monroe said men prefer blondes, women prefer money but we aren't going to marry someone ugly  just because he's rich (but god it would help). 

It's inevitable we will get older but we can embrace it. I'm actually at my most secure now I'm 31, I still question myself and I realise that we are all human and no one is perfect and I'm ok with that. After all 2 eye bags and a little cellulite isn't going to kill me. 

I know what I want, I know when to try harder and most importantly I know when to run for the hills. I am confident with my style even if some people aren't so sure.  The friends that have made it this far are here with us for life.  As for beauty, my best friend advises me that happiness is the best anti ageing treatment around - a male obviously. But I think he might be right for once.

The bottom line is make sure when you make it to your 30's you have a past tasty enough that you will be happy telling your younger family members and in my case my beautiful daughter,  well some obviously not all the details.